Lucinda Holmes – HALiterature – on America
2011/09/14 § 3 Comments
Bunny America: Drafting An Alternative Wiki Entry
Motto – By the Bright Star Guide Us Forth to Distant Green and Plentiful Pastures.
This article is about America see We Rule Spaceships on TV disambiguation, for other entries.
America is a feudalistic dynasty located on an island situated on the south coast of Italy to the immediate east of Sicily. It is constituted of forty-eight areas of land, with each piece of land populated by an extended family of rabbits. Each rabbit is permitted to bear arms. The country accounts for 60% of world spending on military hardware.
The word ‘America’ comes from pre-historic Italian for ‘rubbish dump’, though this has often been mistranslated as ‘beautiful country’, which it is generally considered to be. However, the word in its plural form is Americasssss with four ‘ssss’ to dissociate it from any small children with similar names. In a similar way, for differing reasons, its nationals call themselves Americanssss.
America is a small Mediterranean island with a dormant volcano at its centre. North of the volcano is an arid plain and to the south there is a humid and vegetated plain. At the base of the volcano is woodland, both coniferous and deciduous. The volcano is the source of the island’s only river, which meanders across the south plain to the sea. The climate is temperate, though the proximity of the sea gives rise to mild winters. Rainfall increases substantially in the winter, while spring and summer have occasional showers. Its land area is approximately 5,000 square kilometers when the tide is in, and 6,000 square kilometers when the tide is out. This liminal tide zone is a disputed area, with several other countries claiming it as part of their territory.
On the eastern side of the country is the Big Apple Core, the largest, rabbit hutch, high-rise, maximum capacity, dream city. On the western side is LW, or Los Warren.
It is believed that the lost city of Alaska lies submerged to the North West of the Island. The rabbit scientific community has stated that there is indisputable evidence of the lost city of Alaska, but it has been repeatedly disproved by many scientific bodies and various internationally reputable agencies.
The first recorded settlers to America were an extended family of Italian lupine religious zealots forced to leave their hometown of Piombino for their bad and monotonous religious singing. Fleeing religious oppression, they set forth with the intention of sailing the oceans to India, as they mistakenly believed that the rabbits living there were religious animals, and their lives as divine beings would finally be understood.
Instead their boat ran aground on an uninhabited island off the south coast of Italy, which they colonized and named America. In 50 AD a different breed of rabbits, the Fuzzy Lops, came to the island from Belgium and interbred creating a new subspecies. This subspecies had a distinctively different taste in food from its ancestors‘, liking semi spicy food wrapped in flour or corn pancakes. There was no tolerance for these newfangled cuisine eaters, so they were put on a ship with a couple of month’s worth of supplies, and deported. They ended up in Mexico and became Mexicans. However, this subspecies has left their cuisine as a legacy in American culture, and, to this day, major cities have clusters of Mexican restaurants.
In the 19th Century the attacks of the Meandering Marauding Magicians and Agents of Meandering Marauding Magicians respectively commenced. Flotillas of M.M.M.s and A.M.M.M.s landed off the island, and sent in abduction squads that captured large numbers of Americanssss, which were subsequently forced to live a life of perpetual slavery. Cyprus has long been accused by America as being a major staging post of rabbit trafficking.
Also in the 19th Century, the rabbits learnt how to swim, with large numbers of Americanssss becoming beach bums as a result. This had a negative effect on the island’s economy and industrialization, both of which lagged behind to a large degree.
In the 1960s, neighbouring Sardinia, in a strategy aimed at gaining a better understanding of the Americanssss’ mindset to enable an aggressive infiltration of their then-internally produced TV programmes, decided to capture a few rabbits each year and subject them to a series of physical and psychological tests. To avoid detection, the Sardinians, using a military base in Nuoro, invested heavily in the production a new type of flying craft, which were spaceships used to kidnap carefully chosen rabbits. As a result of these rabbit abductions and supposed sightings of alien space craft, the Americanssss now believe that America is a direct conduit for an alien nation that will make friends with the rabbit nation and enable it to dominate the world, which the Americanssss feel is rightly theirs.
America has officially denounced the right to declare war, although it has claimed self defense in waging many seemingly aggressive and offensive military incursions.
The country is run by a small group of approximately twelve rabbits, of which each member is selected, from birth, to form the government, or the Cloud Halo Council as it is called. Those chosen then live in a desert commune and smoke copious amounts of ganja. While their policies and directives are amazingly enlightened and forward thinking, they are under-cut by the representatives and bureaucrats who return to each feudal state after meeting with the council, and recite gibberish poetry in short, media friendly, sound bites.
There is one leader of the Cloud Halo Council, whose current leader is Bob Bunny Bush, who is chosen through a process determined by the power plays of the various feudal states, their allegiances with each other, and the simplicity of the speeches given by each feudal state’s representative. As a result, quite often, the leader of The Cloud Halo Council is unaware that he has been declared as such.
The export of biomass bunny poo is the main source of funds for the island country, and it is an equivalent to crude oil in terms of joules. As a result, each state is focused on increasing the population, so that it can make more cash for excrement. The various states also invest heavily in military hardware, so they are unable to construct various public works and other such wonders.
The island is at the cutting edge of technology, with electricity being supplied in Wi-Fi form. In some districts it has leaked into the surrounding area, with the result being that the Americanssss living in these districts have particularly sticky-up hair. In some areas there are rabbits who have sticky-up hair. However, the Wi-Fi electricity grid is actually functioning normally. It is just that the Wi-Fi electricity network affects Americanssss fitted with pacemakers differently than the rest of the population. In addition to the sticky-up hair, those affected by the Wi-Fi electrical grid’s out-put hop at a higher frequency than unaffected rabbits without pacemakers.
All Americanssss are eligible for national service, though a well-developed system of back-pawers has developed, so that the most unworthy can indefinitely defer completion of their national service. All enlistees are shipped out to Gaum, a small island off the coast of Portugal, which is inhabited by colony of Welsh Cormorants.
Amazingly, this island has a very low annual rainfall, making it somewhat dry and arid, and is littered with Welsh Cormorant guano, which has the highest sodium nitrate content of any sort of guano.
Combined with the Americanssss droppings, the Welsh Cormorants’ guano makes for an explosive combination. Due to de-education, the rabbits are unaware of the explosive combustion of their excrement, so they spend their entire time trying to find the enemy throwing nonexistent, but explosively deadly, bombs at them.
Under the dormant volcano at the island’s centre, there is an underground bunker which holds the world’s largest nuclear arsenal. However, the command execute button and key have been lost by The Cloud Halo Council during a re-enactment of Bob Rabbit Marley’s life and times, during which its members were wearing bandanas.
The underground nuclear base is run and supervised by an elite brigade of commando rabbits. The commando rabbits have radioactive droppings#, so they are unable to reintegrate into society, yet deny that they are in fact addicted to radioactive salts which have leaked from the Fat Man#, that they lick# at regular intervals.
The Americanssss have become pioneers in the use of war pigs, with a fully armed sty of around 500 war pigs#, each of which is armed with an AA-12, a combat shotgun, strapped to their backs and a BARZ, a silenced submachine gun.
Science and Technology:
The Americanssss are leaders in the race to mine the moon, with their motivation for conquering the moon being religious in nature. They feel that any visitation or inhabitation by other nations’ personnel will contaminate their rabbit god Moon Lapis Goddess. Therefore, they have built and sent up into space a series of defensive satellites armed with Nuclear War Pigs, which can be launched at short notice to destroy enemy incursions on the moon.
Every rabbit has access to an automobile, so that, in the case of committing a crime, they can drive at top speed, thus indicating their guilt to the local police force. Elevated highways that go around in circles have been built near each Hutch City. Anthropologists are unsure of the purpose of this.
The countries main energy supply comes from the burning of rabbit dung, which supplies the National Grid Wi-Fi energy transfer system. Cars that have gone through a modification process in a refinery also run on rabbit droppings.
Rabbits are de-educated from an early age. This is so female rabbits are naïve and suitably impressionable during the frequent mating seasons. This process also means that most inhabitants don’t have any ‘ideas’, which gives rise to a predominantly harmonious society.
On the northern plan there is an abundance of Timothy-Grass, which is ideal food for rabbits. Consequently, any ill or unhealthy rabbits migrate to this area to feast themselves on the grass. Unfortunately these sick and unhealthy rabbits are frequently killed-off by opportunistic and zealous Armageddonists who are determined to depopulate the country, and feel that, in doing so, they are putting the ill and elderly out of their misery.
Occasionally rabbits are snatched from the island by organic-loving giants, who use the rabbits as pregnancy test kits, in the belief that if the urine of a pregnant female human lands on a rabbit, it will immediately kill the rabbit#, thus ensuring a 100% natural pregnancy test. To ward off future snatches, the Americanssss created a giant statue, which has a pointy crown and holds a torch, and also serves as a an emblem of freedom for the rabbits, to stand just off the coast.
Since the beginning of time, rabbits have been snatched for their paws, or rather, a single paw. In some countries, it is considered lucky to carry a dismembered rabbit limb around your neck. Therefore, the rabbit population has now taken measures to counteract this violent act, and to reduce the number of hop-along amputees, though amputee rabbit pole-vaulting is an increasingly popular spectator sport.
Myxomatosis was introduced by a high street clothing chain that wanted to flood the market with a line of confused and colourful finger gloves. As rabbits don’t have fingers, they put on the gloves, with mixed up digits, on their paws. They are then unable to breed, as they are too fascinated by attempting to touch their own genitals with the ‘confused colourful gloves’. Visitors to America can see rabbits infected by Myxomatosis rolling around with brightly covered hand gear on their front paws in a state of starvation, or acute dehydration. Once infected, a sufferer is ostracized from the community. No one has ascertained whether the infected rabbits are actually able to touch their private parts with the gloves or not. Gloves are now only dispensed from registered chemists in extreme circumstances.
Due to excessive levels of paranoia in the country, the Council of High Language meets every third Tuesday to discuss and decree the latest version of ‘Bunny Talk’, the informal name of the national language Rhinocerousfranca, which is also known as Bunnilingus because of the fact that Americanssss eat grass. This usually means that basic words such as pronouns, ‘he’ and ‘she’, for example, are often switched or changed around, as well as many other highly frequently-used words. These changes last for three weeks, then there is another decree on the updated version on the language. For example, one week ‘He’ is ‘He’, ‘She’ is ‘She’ and ‘Thank you’ is ‘Thank you’, . However, following a new linguistic decree,‘She’ becomes ‘He’, ‘He’ becomes ‘Who’, and ‘Thank You’ becomes ‘Potato”. This is highly advantageous, since it means that the TV industry is perpetually kept busy updating and changing programmes to meet the new language. It also means that outside imports into the spoken and written work industry are non-existent. Books are used as things to put coffee cups on, although Americanssss do not drink coffee. Any rabbit using an out of date version of Bunny Talk is immediately suspected to be either a spy, an alien, or an impostor of some kind. Although Americanssss who have been abducted by alien species also exhibit the same language integration problems, it is believed that many spies have lied about alien abduction to cover up their true identity.
There are four different religions in America:
1. The Armageddon Rabbits
2. Followers of Iffy
The Armageddon Rabbits comprise a religious sect that wants the volcano to erupt and kill large swaths of the population to free up more land for the remaining rabbits. They make monthly sacrifices of the most voluptuously fertile female rabbits by tossing them off into the volcano crater. Unbeknownst to them, however, due to the frequency of this act, the crater surface is now cushioned by the plethora of rabbit corpses.
So many recent victims have survived the fall into the crater and have created their own sub-culture, with this group of voluptuous in-heat rabbits subsequently forming the religious cult of Joeism. These permanently in-heat females make bimonthly raids on villages adjacent to the volcano, which are an attempt to find males that best match their god, Joey’s, character and physical appearance,select those taken to use as sex slaves, and finally sacrifice them to their god. Any female offspring resulting from these unions are kept, while the males are turned into kebabs.
A whole genre of television programmes has been created to fulfill the religious needs of this group of female rabbits, and especially a TV show based around the daily life of their god, Joey, who lives in a loft in the Big Apple Core with his friends,which is the most popular of the lot.
Most rabbits, especially as children, follow a very symmetrical white rabbit deity called ‘Iffy’. Icons of ‘Iffy’ can be frequently found adorning children’s pencil cases. The commandments of Iffy are:
1. Thou shalt not be seen or heard
2. Japanese small cats are never to be trusted
3. Thou shalt engage in radical direct ecological action (due to intensive de-education at an early age most rabbits have no idea what this is)
4. Cute noises shall becometh thee
Bunnishism is the main religion of the island. It is in decline and Americanssss rarely give prayers to Moon Lapis Goddess, and Frank, a 2.1 meter-tall apocalyptic rabbit#, similar in standing to the devil.
Americanssss fall in love, marry for life, and produce as many offspring as rabbitly possible. When five or more couples want to wed, a date is agreed-upon, and a multiple wedding takes place. Multiple weddings are more socially acceptable, as in the rabbit community, interbreeding is frequent. However, this means it is difficult to ascertain who your actual relatives are. By making it a multiple wedding, the whole community is involved, and no one has to think too hard about who is related to whom. There is no aisle, again to avoid questions as to who is on the bride’s side, and who is on the groom’s. side.
The brides dress like Iffy, their childhood goddess. This can cause problems, as all the brides at the multiple wedding look very similar, if not identical, to each other. However, many Americanssss have married the wrong bunny bride and lived long happy lives, with large litters.
Rabbits form temporary tightly knit extended families. Contrary to popular disbelief, rabbits do not have sexual relations outside of the extended family.
Crime and Law Enforcement:
If any rabbit commits a crime, it is common practice for it to get into a car, and drive at top speed. This is a signal to law enforcement agents to pursue the criminal in a high-speed car chase, which, in turn,is normally filmed live, so the rest of the inhabitants of America can either, a, state that they either know, or are somehow related to the offender, or, b, know where the car is, and go to an area where they think they can get on TV.
Due to intense paranoia about alien abductions, rabbits have now started to fit themselves with their own personal burglar alarm. In the 1970s burglar alarms were only imported, so the alarm would often be larger that the rabbit itself. These alarms were considered to be the height of culture, and many marriages have been arranged on the basis of the size and shape of a male’s or female’s burglar alarm.
Rabbit Detention and Correctional Facilities:
Criminals are housed in a correctional facility, a military base which is located in Malaga Bay, on the Spanish coast, which Spanish officials have declared is an illegal intrusion on Spanish soil. One complicating aspect to this story is that the Americanssss have been writing and sending cheques to the Spanish Malaga Chief Treasurer, and one of these cheques was mistakenly cashed. Therefore, the bunny invaders have decided that this is a clear indication of the Spanish authorizing this Americanssss’ exclave. All subsequent cheques have been sent returned to sender, but keep ending up in Cardiff, due to an irregular zip code anomaly.
Prisoners at The Malaga Bay Detention Facility have allegedly been subjected to various forms of torture, including extended periods of Watership Downing#, which involves the inmates being forced to watch the film version of Watership Down, which is an experience so emotionally gut-wrenching for the Americanssss, that several have committed suicide.
Each rabbit family has a television, which is their main source of culture. Generally speaking, rabbit popular TV reaches a cultural zenith, when it is a rerun of a remake of a very old story to which everyone knows the ending, the ending is a happy one, no one has sex outside of marriage, and all of the bad characters die.
Americanssss are divided into two groups. However, this division is not based on class or heritage, but is made on the basis of Americanssss with symmetrical ears, and those without symmetrical ears,with symmetrically eared rabbits being considered slightly more important than asymmetrically eared rabbits. While some doctors on the island have modified rabbits to make their ears asymmetrical, it is impossible to do it the other way around.
Americanssss drive automobiles, but at extremely slow speeds, as there is a cultural perception that the speed at which you travel has a direct correlation to how nice a person you are, so, the slower the better. Driving fast means that you get less sex and less Timothy-Grass.
Bunny Law is a process of judgment via televised cases or case appeals, where the viewing public decides, using a red ‘guilty’ button and a green ‘not-guilty’ button on their TV remotes. Though most defendants are statistically declared ‘off’, ‘mute’, ‘standby’, or ‘rabbit porn channel’, these votes, (remote button presses) are not counted. TV companies liaise with the police to identify test cases that are deemed to be of the public interest, with ones considered uninteresting normally resulting in the defendant being automatically released, although the evidence is kept on file. Decisions of guilt can vary more on the viewing time of the case, as opposed to the actual evidence. Prime time for not guilty verdicts is around lunchtime, when nanny rabbits, who are generally more caring, watch television for extended periods of time. Cases where the defendant is found not guilty generally take longer than hearings where they are found guilty, with court verdicts being more about the viewers’ attention spans and boredom levels, as opposed to any close consideration of the evidence.
There are large expansive quantities of Timothy-Grass on the island northern side, while Los Warren is the capital of Mexican food, and beach bums eat large quantities of frozen lettuce.
The most popular sport in America is rabbit show jumping#, followed by rabbit dressage. There are several teams authorized to organize show jumping events, though there are also some occasions of feral rabbit show jumping. However, The Cloud Halo Council is trying to clamp down on these latter exhibitions, but with little success.